It was little difficult for me to accept it. I didn’t believe it. It pains everytime I say it.
Well it’s the ego at play.
There wasn’t probably anything left to compare you, freaking mountains , moon, drug , virus etc etc. Yes all of them are damm difficult to have. Trust me you were nothing difficult too. It’s not that I have you now but it’s probably the time I will have to leave difficult things in my life. Which indirectly means you. What possibly could I do more. You know what is the problem with a man , so much trying ?
It’s the ego , right the ego that is always at fight with the heart and convincing the ego that it is the right thing to do. Do you know ….
What happens when you convince your dad about your choice and it turns out that the choice is wrong, you start listening to your dad. Yeah! ego plays dad here. Yes and its very difficult to get over the virus or drug ( you) but the ego silently says it’s over even before it could start. I don’t hate you , it’s not that I can’t tolerate you it’s just that you are little too much for me.
Even if I let you go and my heart cries to say goodbye but ego knows it’s for the best.
I still want your city , want your town want you at times for dinners, movies but let’s face it for how long I’m gonna keep the demands.
Yes I can somewhat say I have somewhat moved on . Though How much I have no freaking idea.
Everytime you text me it’s a mild adrenaline rush, a excited mind wants to reply yet the ego plays the dad role and writes taunts hoping for the last try which never succeeds.
Everytime I check your Facebook pics or status it just brings in the ego the attitude as if I don’t care.
Well that’s the ego saying I REALLY DON’T CARE, and the heart yelling just ask me once for help I WOULD RUN TO YOU.
Ever since I got to know you will be back to home town for Durga Puja, my mind started it’s own celebration. There were complications, were weren’t talking because of some mistake which was pretty much stupid that just made me feel what would happen when we met. One meeting is what I craved for, one only.
Luckily God had plans. Things went back to normal for us and boy I was overjoyed. I was preparing for the day, The Meeting.
I knew it would be difficult, You have fans and yeah I kind of feel little jealous about it. So coming directly to the point we met after so much of struggle. That face , that dress and lastly the voice it had been so so so long. It’s almost like you meet your superhero you try to be normal and yet inside you went berzerk. Sitting with you , talking to you and the eye contact which I generally shy away from seemed to be so perfect for me. There were so many friends around yet the care for you was from the subconscious . Pulling you from the the probable push of crowd and talking to you particularly instead of other people, many more minute details.
So skipping directly to dinner, I waited for a chance to sit beside you and you called it was like you heard me at one go. Don’t remember ignoring friends that much lately . Oh guess what I remembered the reason , you were around. It’s a separate world around you. Probably first of a time when friends including you pulled my leg yet there was no counter, maybe because I never wanted. That’s what high in love is , that’s sick for someone is, maybe!!
Lastly the bike ride, a easier and less busier road would have been perfect but I guess nothing is perfect in the world. So this time after dropping you home I thought a hug as per usual basis ( as we always did before leaving ) would be there. It wasn’t but I didn’t want to demand too. A bike ride was kind enough by the Gods. Who knew what would follow.
No no no I’m never ever getting rid of you. Never ever tried of you. Never ever busy for you. I keep on writing and thinking and talking about you. We had a picture together our first picture. What could I ask for more. You have given me more sleepless nights than exams and interviews. I don’t blame you, I blame the first day when Met you. I blame the Meeting , I blame everything that followed that it put me in so much in love with you. Continue reading “The Meeting”
Somehow it seems it’s a virus. A virus whom neither me or the virus minds.
A drug which isn’t harmful. A drug which helps you to be better everyday without any side effects. Yes , these happened just because of you. YOU again-no medicines work , no correctional homes seems do any good. People often said it’s love, and I was a little confused about the use of the word. It’s more of a unconditional love, something that makes your heart always think and pause. The mind becomes like new copies ( completely blank). Yet it looks all normal. Yes YOU again is the reason, why I expect other women to be like you. Yes YOU again aren’t someone of my league and that’s why YOU are my dream. A dream girl , a feeling , a emotion, a moon for me, a parallel track of trains yet I’m ready to reach to you whatever the consequences are.
Yes YOU again is the fever I never want to let go.
3 months into my MBA , it’s already a roller coaster ride. A vacation finally I get and instead of enjoying it completely , I analyse it if I’m enjoying it daily.
But how did you come into the picture?
We weren’t talking to each other. How come you are still so important?
Looks like this mind has lost repeated battles fought on You with the heart. A lot of things around me still connect me with you , things which are safely put in the safe of the mind. The roads, the gift shops ( not that I bought gifts still) , the places, movies and the unbearable songs. Unbearable because the heart seems to relax and that’s what people call ‘skipping a beat’. The mind seems to be in some world or as people call it as ‘being high’. And lastly the body is in high energy flow with no movement or as people call it ‘adreline rush’.
I know the consequences yet accept all the reactions, accept the incidences and even sometimes things happening which I don’t like.
Why am I still fighting ? Why do I still care? Why do I not change things and concentrate on work? Why do I not change tracks? Why do still bring up your name and topic ?
Good question I have an answer.
I don’t know. Because that is something not bound by logic, by science , by reasons or by anything except for feeling
You still seem to have bought most land in my life unknowingly even when the prices are high and are against all odds.
July 1, 2016- Cuttack
One thing of bongs being a bong I disliked was the acceptance. For us it has always been tough to accept new things. Today I started a new part of my life. After graduation in pursuing MBA, from Sri Sri University. Months ago the orifice prospect was very interesting and exciting. Not that it’s not exciting or interesting but the point is a lot has been sacrificed. For many it might be just home, neighbors, friends or family for me it is a part of me.
I often thought I might be so much fun without the usual life but I was wrong. Each and every member flashes in front of my eyes, how much I miss them already. I never had neighbors never will as they are my cousins. When I went to bow down to one of neighbour , a brother I just remember what he said, “are tera to main bhai Hun , bhai se gala milte hai pair nahi chute” .
I never could handle emotions . Not atleast when my mom is crying. Not when my dad is usually sad which he doesn’t show. I prayed to God that I should be able to handle the situation when they will have to part. Maybe MBA will be a costly decision to live with not by money but by the fact I won’t be sleeping in my bed or waking up to my dad’s wake up nod.
The fact I realised that, I am feeling just like I the time when I was admitted to kindergarten when I started crying as soon as my parents left. The only difference is I’ve grown I cried now too but inside which hurts than before.